Find Yourself, For the Sake of Us
Thinking out loud and asking questions. Of myself, and you, the reader.
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Given how confusing this world is, I tend to have a lot of questions. Most of the time, these questions are ones that I simply cannot answer. When approached with a new, I sometimes wish to have a “Good Will Hunting” moment. These moments almost never come, and I much more often find myself like the rest of the confused students in the class, looking at the bulletin as if a solution is possible to find, yet not knowing how the final destination is to be reached. It is in rare moments where I find myself pulling a rabbit out of the hat, or rather, the answer out of the depths of my mind. Those are moments and thoughts that I truly enjoy, and maybe there is added enjoyment in not knowing how I reached my conclusion. If I were to describe the feeling, it would be that everything I have been pondering on the subject flashes so quickly within my mind, that I cannot pick out a single element. In a way that is akin to Han Solo putting the Millennium Falcon into hyperspace (or whatever its called, I haven’t seen Star Wars in like 15 years), such that all the stars seem to blend into one wall of light, none steady enough to observe by themselves. Then there is a moment of clarity in which, for once, there is a bit of relief, as the whirlwind of thoughts that buzz like bees, settle back into the hive, and suddenly the answer is the only thing on my mind. However with every answer, I am reminded of the infinite potential of curiosity. Just as I find an answer, ten new questions arise, and I find myself, again, staring at the bulletin.
I guess that would sum up the way in which my mind works. If, in a sense, only in my spells of deep thought. I do realize how pretentious this and the rest of this post may come across, but I do not think of it that way. I do not like pretension, nobody does. I am not claiming to be special or to have any sort of superiority. What I am really after is to learn, and to challenge myself and my own mind through expression, in a way that I hope is beneficial to others in some way. Whenever I write, or finish a project, it gives me a tangible object of progression. A stepping off point in which I can start again and continue to move forward past the thoughts and ides that I feel as though I have conquered. All while remaining completely open, and allowing for my thoughts and opinions to change, as I have my own works as a resource to look back on. I do not share all of my writing on this blog, much of it I keep to myself. Sometimes out of a fear of being misunderstood, or that what I am writing will not find an audience that will have the background knowledge to grasp what I am writing. Again, not in a “superiority complex” kind of way, but in that sometimes what I write requires a long list of prerequisites for understanding the point in which I am jumping off from. However, these thoughts or fears could be a symptom of my unwitting arrogance. Is my knowledge of certain topics at the depth that I believe them to be, or does my understanding take the shape of an illusion? Like that of murky pond. From the bank, the pond’s depth is as deep or shallow as your mind believes it to be. In reality, you have no clue how deep it is until you decide to jump in. The imaginary suddenly becomes finite.
Regardless of my own “imposter syndrome”, I am certain of my intentions. My intent with my exploration of thought, and comical quest for answers, is rooted in only one thing, love. This may be difficult for me to explain, as I am not sure I possess the required vocabulary or skillset, to adequately express what are merely feelings, into words. When I say that my intentions lie in love, I mean that I wish to express whatever it is that I believe to be the truth. Objectively, when it comes to certain topics, everyone truly does have their own truth. We are all individuals, we have all lived completely different lives. Even in my case of having a twin sister. When we talk about our childhood, we very often have different emotional connections to events that we experienced together. Thus driving this point home even further. Truth is interesting, because it is often so simple that we will walk right past it and believe it to be nothing. Lebanese writer and poet Khalil Gibran once wrote,
“A truth can walk naked… but a lie needs to be dressed…”
However in the things I write about, or rather the things I have written that I choose to share, I am searching for THE truth, or at least making an honest attempt at digging toward it. We have so many problems in our society, whether it be inflation, racial division, racism, bigotry, political division, lack of opportunity, lack of upward mobility, war, etc. The list could go on. When I look toward the people in power who are supposed to be fighting for us, to improve our lives, to find solutions, I can only see a group so hellbent in their desires for fame, fortune, and reelection, that they just can’t help themselves in deciding that one day someone else will come along and actually do what’s right. That these problems will not be solved without personal sacrifice and struggle, and that is a price too high for them to pay. This absence of duty, morality, and responsibility then turns in to a bill that we all have to pay. That is why I dig, because if nobody else is going to do it for me, and shed light on the true roots of our problems, I might as well do it myself. Then again, we have had people in more modern times, who were willing to sacrifice for the betterment and well-being of the people. The likes of John F. Kennedy, Patrice Lumumba, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., to name a few, with the latter being my greatest inspiration. Of course we know what happened to them.
When I was in second grade, I remember going to the book fair at my elementary school. The shelves of the “pop-up” bookstore packed with all sorts of fun stories of adventure and fantasy. The one I chose to take home with me, was a biography of Dr. King. I must have read that book a dozen times. After every read, my 7-year old brain began to gain a true understanding of the words printed on the page. As simple as it may sound, my only true takeaway from that book was, that no matter what you do in your life, you should never be afraid to stick up for yourself or others when it comes to defending what is right. I couldn’t relate to the horrors of segregation or racial discrimination. Growing up in a small town, I could not understand how people who looked like myself had such hatred for people over something so trivial as the color of their skin. Though I could have written off what I could not relate to nor understand as having no value, I did not. The horrors that I read about taught me not only to stand up for what is right, but when it was the right time to stand up and be counted.
That is what makes me so frustrated with the problems that seem to be so pertinent our public consciousness. I apologize for sounding crass, but when the news, politicians, or social media deem it more important to fixate on gender, pronouns, sexual orientation, celebrity gossip, food, “influencers”, “cancellation”, amongst others, instead of focusing on real problems that will hurt all of us, problems or forces that do not discriminate, then I do believe we have a serious problem. That is why it is so crucial to not only stand up, but know when it is necessary to stand up. Not to say that those issue are not important, they are, but those are the much smaller ones that we can slay once we have actually defeated the giant fire breathing dragons that appear far in the distance. Although you may not be able to see which direction they are flying, make no mistake, they are headed straight for us.
That is why I say my intentions lie in love. I love people, I love the vast array of cultures, languages, ideas, and beliefs that make up what we call humanity. Through all cultures, in any location, in any place, and in any time, no matter how different they may appear when stood side by side, the only commonality that we can be certain of is that they are all human. What is more beautiful than that? I guess it is in the desire to preserve humanity, to keep it beautiful, to keep it interesting, to keep us evolving in a positive direction, that I juxtapose these feelings of love with a very dark hatred for those who seek to do us harm. I do not like the way that my research makes me feel. Sometimes, I have to take breaks, sometimes I am moved to tears when reading accounts of horrific acts committed by certain individuals or groups on to others. Sometimes, I question if this is all worth it. After all, unless something extraordinary happens, I may never see any fruits of my labor. That question is always quickly put to bed, because in order to seek the truth, or to come to a true understanding of the problems we are facing, I have to be willing to be uncomfortable, and in moments where I wish to not feel uncomfortable, I must endure. Nothing of any substance or any true value was ever found, written, drawn, painted, recorded, or filmed without someone who suffers or sacrifices their “comfortability”. I am thankful, that so far in my life, my suffering has only been in my head. My physical reality has remained relatively mundane, and maybe that is why I am able to look into these things at such depth. Things could be so much worse, I know that. Billions of people are and have suffered at levels that I will never experience or imagine. So, why wouldn’t I endure and pay this small price, in order to do what I can to help.
I know that an easy counter to what I am saying, or an easy way of writing my thoughts off would be that I can only look at things in this way because of my “privilege”, whether that be in educational, socioeconomic, or “white” privilege. I understand my privilege, and I am truly grateful for the opportunities I have been afforded in my life. I have studied history and culture for much too long and in too much depth to be ignorant of these facts. Although, if we are going to attempt to bring people down based on their privileges, why not be more specific?
Why not look beyond the privilege and pass judgement in relation to what they do with their “privilege”. Why be so eager to discredit or demean a person based on factors that lie outside the realm of that persons humanity? I think it is because humanity is intangible, a persons heart and soul are not quantifiable, they do not constrain themselves to a rigid list of criteria. Each is unique, with their own characteristics, never to be fully understood by another. There is a beauty and an air of uncertainty in that. We are all unique individuals, no two of us are exactly the same, not one of our souls or consciousnesses will ever be completely understanding of another, that is a scary thought or realization to have when most of us seek to find someone(s) who will. For myself, that realization made me feel very alone. I’d had that feeling of loneliness for my entire life. I never felt like I “fit in”. I began to have feelings of despair, that no matter how hard I tried, how long I searched, that I would never find anyone in this life who would truly understand me.
However, in the depths of despair, I stumbled across my “canary in the coal mine”. That being, myself (as corny as it may seem, and believe me, I know it sounds corny).
That was when I began this journey of self discovery that so many other people talk about. Whenever I’ve heard someone else tall their story, I can’t help but think that they way in which they discuss it is so corny and shallow. I am not saying that their journey and their struggles aren’t real, I am sure that they are, but it just comes off as corny and “self-helpy”. I hope that I am not making this same mistake, and I will try my best not to.
I have not finished my journey, and that’s the thing about it, that it truly does not end until you draw your last breath. It is very difficult to put into words, but I guess the best way to describe it for myself is that this journey has completely inverted my sense of perspective. I guess a good comparison would be that of Aristotle, who believed that the sun revolved around the earth and that the earth was the true center of the universe. I never really understood why, but I always felt that the world revolved around me. Not in a way in which I thought I deserved everything or that everyone was against me. Nothing like that, rather that the world was so confusing that I could not understand it. Everything seemed like whirlwind of nonsense and nothing ever truly made sense. I had trouble making real connections with people, and the connections that I thought were so strong, were really just fragile and superficial. Upon making certain, difficult realizations, I had to ask myself why I thought anything other than confusion, loneliness, and disconnect would have been my reality. I didn’t even know who I was, so how was I going to impose myself onto the world? How could I ever feel a sense of belonging if, I felt like a stranger to myself?
There is a difficult truth in this, and in my belief this applies every one of us. You can do all the therapy (which I have done), but unless you are willing to not only meet the demons that creep into your thoughts, but embrace them and brutally, honestly kill them all, you will never make any progress. I feel like I have killed all of my demons. I understand that others may have much more formidable foes, but no matter how mighty or scary they may be, they must be slain. This might involve months or even years of confusion, being in a constant identity crisis, feeling sad or depressed by having to relive those moments you wish you could forget. That is the only way to progress forward. You must make a choice to draw a line in the sand behind you. I struggled for a long time to draw that line. On one side was my entire life, every experience, every moment, every memory, and every piece of trauma that had placed me where I was at that time. On the other side, was the unknown, an equally, if not even more scary place.
The difference between the two is very simple, which makes it the truth in my mind. That difference being control. The past is behind you, and every traumatic thing that has happened to you, every bad experience, was done by someone else on to you. I, much like everyone else, have struggles with control. We all want things to go according to the plans we have drawn in our heads, but those never come to fruition. We simply cannot control the actions of others. That is a hard pill to swallow when you dig below the surface of what that last sentence actually implies. We may make it seem as though certain things that other people did to us were our fault, that in our past we took the blame or responsibility for the actions of another, actions we could not imagine doing to someone else. These are the demons we must slay, and in doing so we can take back control of our lives. When you forgive yourself, when you take the blame off of yourself, you can see those events not as trauma, but as lessons. Those pieces of trauma that turn to lessons have great value. In the time they went unchecked, they had control over how you lived your life. They influence opinion, perception, behavior, the lot. By slaying those demons, you can understand just how tight of a grip they had on you. This is where the real work is done.
At least, thats how I see it.
Once I had slain my demons and learned all I could from them, I could finally draw that line in the sand. By drawing that line and turning my back to it, the daunting reality of life stood before me. However, from that point onward, I have never been alone. I have myself, and that is the only true companion that one absolutely needs in this life if you are going to live the life you want to live. I am in the drivers seat, and when I am the only one thinking for myself and making decisions, I find that I make more intelligent decisions. More positive decisions. If I screw up, I have only myself to blame, and to deal with that, I have the arsenal of lessons from my past to help me learn from the present.
That is when my perception of the world changed. No longer was I the center of the universe, I am just a tiny part of it.
No longer was I looking to “fit in” as much as I was determined to be myself. Through understanding yourself, which also means realizing you are never done growing and evolving, I believe it gives you the priceless ability to recognize parts of yourself in others. Those being the people that you will be able to form bonds with that last a lifetime. Fortunately for me, I have had friends that have stuck with me through this journey, although they didn’t even know I was on one. For them, I am eternally grateful, and the love I have for them in my heart is beyond expression. I do not wish to have anyone in my life because they can do something for me, or because they want something from me. Friendship, companionship, love, is not transactional. Some may say that it is, but then I would say what they’re describing is something completely different. When I find people who make life better, that help me to endure the balance between struggle and prosperity, my only requirement is that they join me in opening their heart, and simply enjoying each other’s company.
I have strewn quite far from where I began, but I guess what I am trying to say is that we all desperately need to find ourselves. This culture of playing the blame game, avoiding responsibility, generalizing, seeking outward validation, and disrespecting not only each other, but ourselves has to come to an end. We have real problems, and the only way to move toward solving, or even acknowledging the roots of our societal issues is to escape the fabricated, trivial illusions of modern American society. That escape can only be found by first turning inward. I know that my description of the “journey” wasn’t a step by step guide filled with resources or anything like that, but that is because every individual will have their own unique path to walk. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, or gives you a step by step guide on how to think is more than likely lying to you. I cannot say that it will be easy. Your “self” may be under so much rubble and debris that the task may seem too difficult. I can assure you that you can do it. You just have to be willing to suffer for the sake of truly liberating yourself from the clutches of your past. For most, this battle within ourselves will be the most difficult one we will ever face, but by enduring, by making it through to the other side, you will become an immovable object. One that cannot be phased in the pursuit of living life to its fullest extent. In doing so we can be examples for others, and as the expression goes, “a rising tide lifts all boats”. So be the tide. Be honest with yourself. Find what you truly love, who you truly love, and never miss an opportunity to add someone else to that list. Love is a funny thing, because it is the most powerful resource at our disposal, yet we do not seem to realize that we all have an infinite capacity for love. We are the only ones who control how much love we give, and we have no control over how much love we receive. Love really does conquer all, but that love has to be true, and has to come from your heart. So, if you haven’t already, go and find your heart. Be yourself, doggedly, without compromise. We all need it.
With Love, The Confused Buda